Day 134 - 26 weeks 4 days...

Ciaran and Shay's first time meeting outside the womb - approximately four weeks after birth

I am way behind in posts - for a number of reasons - one being because I have been purposefully avoiding this post....secondly, I am starting to get more and more tired....and finally, it is just a busy time of year for educators....

Anyhow, today in my current pregnancy I am 26 weeks 4 days - this is how far along I was in my pregnancy when I went into preterm labour with Ciaran and Shay.  This is the day in my pregnancy with them - that Ciaran and Shay were welcomed very unexpectedly into our world.  I was not even 2/3 of the way through with my pregnancy....from this day forward, my world changed forever....as did the way I handled life as I knew it.

I thought because I had gone full term with Rowan that this pregnancy would not be as stressful or as anxiety ridden.  I believe that I am definitely calmer that I was in Rowan's pregnancy - but not much!  When I was pregnant with Ciaran and Shay - I was so carefree - had no worries in the world.  Since their births, I sometimes feel as if I am so much more of a thinker, worrier, stresser....I am so much less of a free spirit.  I find that these days I try to control the world around me more and more and I worry about things that are outside of my control.  I miss the free spirit in me....one day, I hope to be reacquainted with that part of my old self.

I think when you have been through a traumatic experience - this reaction/ability to cope is natural.  You learn quickly to develop protective barriers that protect your heart to ensure that you do not open yourself up to a vulnerable situation.  What I am learning is that protecting your heart hardens you as a person...a personality trait I would rather be without.

I hope in the coming days and months, I will be able to embrace this pregnancy, this beautiful life inside of me.  I hope to put my worries and fears to the side and celebrate this special and unique period in my life.  Wish me luck :)

In the meantime, I embrace my time with my beautiful boys and count my blessings...I have many of them!